So, I’ve been spending the whole week wondering about what I should write next. Some would call this a slump, but not me. Nuh-uh. To steal the words of Brooklynn Nine-Nine’s amazing detective/genius Jake Peralta:
I don’t slump, people. I opposite of slump. I pmuls. That’s slump backwards and it’s what I do. I pmuls all over this bitch.
Anyway, I’ve always thought that I have weird conversations with people. I run on dark humor, pop culture references that nobody gets, and arm chair philosophy. I have interesting conversations with friends and I’ve decided to torture you guys into reading them.
Note : To the people featured here who are reading this, I want you to know that you have an amazing friend. 😛
1. Gloria Gaynor ain’t got nothing on me.
Me: I’m not coming to work on Monday.
Me: I’m getting my eyes checked after a really long time. Because of the retina problem, remember?
Friend: Ah, okay.
Me: At first I was afraid
Friend: You were?
Me: I was petrified
Friend: OMG. BYE.
2. I swear I’m not a normal person.
Friend: I only cried at the end of When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. I expected to cry more but I didn’t.
Me: I cried throughout. I read the book on the shuttle to work. There was some audible sniffling which made other commuters give me weird looks.
Friend: That’s great.
Me: Whut. I just said I cried.
3. People never get my references #1
Fellow commuter in a train (FCIT): The train is way too crowded these days.
Me: Yeah, we need a new plague.
FCIT: *mouth drops open* *looks judgemental*
I was just referring to The Office.
Or was I? *winks*
4. The day my co-worker decided I was weird.
Co-worker: I’m going to make a parody video of Cheap Thrills by Sia.
Me: That’s so cool!
Co-worker: Yeah, do you have friends who are video editors?
Me: You should’ve stopped that question at “Do you have friends”.
After a beat, the co-worker goes:
5. People don’t get my references #2
Co-worker: Shruti, look at this video of a chocolate cake being made. Doesn’t it look delish?
Me: I want to go to there.
Me: I want to go to there.
Co-worker: Wait, what?
Me: That was a 30 Rock reference, you peasant.
6. You should hate the people I hate too.
Me: *showing a photo of someone I know* She’s the worst.
Friend: Oh yeah?
Me: Yes. We don’t like her.
Me: Yup. I don’t like her and you shouldn’t, either. Despite the fact that you’ve never met her.
Friend: Have you ever considered therapy?
7. Impromptu Bohemian Rhapsody jams.
Co-worker: I’m bored. I need a break from work. Let’s do something!
Me: Is this the real life?
Co-worker: Oh no you didn’t. Should we?
Me: Is this just fantasy?
Co-worker: Damn it, I’m joining you.
Together: Caught is a landslide, no escape from reality.
8. Buzzfeed quizzes are the gospel truth.
Friend: What are you smiling at?
Me: This Buzzfeed quiz is genius. It just guessed that I am “emotionally mature enough to appreciate walnuts, but that doesn’t mean [I] want them on [my] ice cream”
Friend: But, you don’t believe in God, astrology, or luck, correct?
9. I was sassy 4 years back, too.
Me: Sir, here’s the output my batch got for the “Design an amplifier” experiment.
Teacher: Your values are messed up. You do realize that your output values should be amplified, right?
Teacher: You just wasted 2 hours on this. This amplifier will have no use in the real world.
Me: Actually, it is useful. You can use this as an example for bad amplifiers everywhere.
Said teacher went on to carry a grudge on me for the next 3 years of college.
10. Everyone is a peasant to me.
Me: How’s the kitchen hand doing?
11. Friends better get my pop culture references.
Me: Let me take a moment to remind you that it’s October 3rd. On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. ❤
Me: If you did not get that, I swear to Tina Fey we cannot be friends anymore.
Friend: Wait, I know this. Ugh.
Friend: MEAN GIRLS! It’s Mean Girls, right?!
Friend: Phew, friendship saved.
What did you think of this post? Let me know in the comments! 🙂